Lobes of Love

I recently made the classic mistake of taking my lovely girlfriend, Meredith, deer hunting. She is a very good sport. I knew that and I appreciate it. A lot.

What I failed to realize or appreciate is that she (despite being an extremely good sport), entertains a severe allergic reaction to mosquito bites. Ahh, would that I had known that before choosing a deerstand location near a swamp.

About an hour into our hunt several deer walked into sight. Before being completely engrossed in the scene in front of me I gave the strictest of orders "not to move" and indicated that multiple deer were within range.

I failed to notice Meredith's desperate attemps at blinked distress signals until several minutes later. Finally she hissed "SOMETHING IS BITING ME!!!" Naturally, I again gently encouraged her "not to move" and shifted my eyes towards her just enough to see a look of intense pain and concentration come over her face. I then shifted my attention back to the deer.

After approximately 20 more minutes the deer relocated and I again shifted my vision towards Meredith. There had been no change. She appeared frozen in place with a look of intense consternation pasted across her furiously-clenched brow and tightly-clamped eyelids.

I waited a few more minutes for my own private enjoyment, then nudged her and indicated that it was ok to move about again. She immediately began clawing rabidly at her right ear and kicking me viciously in the knee.

After the furious melee, we continued to enjoy our time together and I quickly forgot about the incident. Several days later I noticed that she had taken to wearing her hair down over her ear. Curious, I lightly brushed aside her chocolatey brown locks only to find that the top of her right ear had swollen to twice its normal size and had taken on a decidedly "pointy" appearance - not at all unlike Mr. Spock from Star Trek. When I say a "pointy appearance" I mean "freakishly pointy" "pointy to the point of public humiliation" or even "embarassingly pointy."

The ear? It was pointy; there is no denying that, but pointing that out sure was a huge mistake.

Recently (and to my great dismay) there has been some discussion of Meredith removing a significant portion of her hair and donating it to "locks of love."

I suggested donating a portion of her ear to "Lobes of Love" instead.

She was not amused.

Meredith: may your ear live long and prosper.