Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Used, Dented, Damaged, Slightly Scratched Car Parts for Sale

It turns out that a 2006 Honda Accord hood costs $1,200 to replace. I know this because I bought one.

Not a Honda Accord - a Honda Accord hood.

I bought one because I backed into my girlfriend's Honda Accord parked in my driveway on Monday morning. It gave up the ghost with a very pleasing"Crunch."

My insistence that the large bumper-shaped dent in her hood "wasn't that bad" has done very little for my love life. As a concession I offered to buy her a used dirt bike for $1,200. I figured we could share the new dirt bike and just leave the dented hood alone. Hoods really aren't that useful if you ask me. I'd just as soon see down into the engine guts on my car. That way you can see right off if anything is amiss.

My kind suggestion didn't help me much and from the looks of things I won't be enjoying the blazing speed of a Kawasaki 250cc dirt bike anytime soon either.

So now I have no dirt bike, no money, and a dented Honda Accord hood. I also just got a property tax bill in the mail. Oh, and one of these days I'm probably going to die.

From the looks of things I'd say a Honda Accord might be involved.


Friday, May 26, 2006

Beauty Fades

This week my hotel manager put me in a handicap-accessible room; ostensibly to take advantage of the king bed. I had to kneel down to access the thermostat, the clothes bar in the closet was so low that my pants all dragged the floor, and I managed to break the shower chair neatly in half while trying to work the faucet.

Next time I'll take the two doubles.

Last week I spent two nights in a bridal suite (bride not included) because there were no other rooms. I hung my clothes on the shower rod to steam the wrinkles out and overspray soaked my suit jacket just before dinner.

I showed up to an attorney's office the next morning in slacks and a polo shirt only to find myself surrounded by black suits and red ties. On the way home I shoved a binder into my attache case and accidentally crushed a Chic-fil-a honey mustard packet that had snuck into one of the pockets - leaking honey mustard all over my wallet and keys.

Its hard to know what to do when one finds oneself apprehended by one's boss in the restroom while scrubbing a yellow gummy substance out of one's wallet and keys. I find the best approach is to shrug and grin like an amiable dolt while wildly gesturing in an incomprehensible manner. People don't normally stick around for much of that.

On the way back, after I approached the airline ticket agent with my credit card; I discovered that my assistant had erroneously booked me on another flight....the one that had just taken off.

I was upgraded to first class on the flight home - a potential indicator that my travel luck might be changing....Until I realized that I had been upgraded, but my 4 bosses weren't. Ridicule heaped high upon me as the majority of the upper-level Mergers and Acquisitions Consulting group filed past traveler Ewing in seat 1A on their way to the back of the plane.

When I finally found my truck in the airport parking deck I found that someone had smeared axle grease all over the passenger-side door, and honestly, I don't know why.  I guess they just don't like silver pickups.

Finally, I returned to my office from traveling and promptly dumped Sprite all over myself in the kitchen in front of our managing partner.

So it turns out - as I have gotten older many aspects of my life have changed, but I'm definitely still clumsy. Thats the one constant.

Beauty fades, but clumsy is forever.