Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Impending Collision

Last year (on yet another blind date) my willing accomplice mentioned that she had recently invested in a new pair of Seven Jeans (they are, after all, for all mankind). Naturally, I inquired into what sort of return she anticipated on that investment.

She was not amused.

Typically, a good rule of thumb is to gauge the response to a joke, then respond in kind. Instead I laughed quite a lot, and for entirely too long.

My polls took a nosedive.

In a last-ditch attempt to take back the night; I ingeniously followed up the above obvious social gaffe with the rare and legendary impending collision scare on the way home. You know: that’s where your unwitting passenger is absentmindedly taking in the scenery and you (you mischevious little devil) lock up the brakes while simultaneously screaming bloody native heathenism at the top of your lungs.

Friends, you cannot begin to imagine the breadth of response that comes from that clever little conversation starter....In this case we had a very nice conversation about the wisdom of "frightening people who had recently been in major vehicle collisions."

Ohhhhh waiter! Check please?


Friday, August 18, 2006

The Emotional Hijack

One day several years ago I felt it incumbent upon me to gently admonish one of my closest female friends with the following pithy bit of wisdom:

"....And I will warn you that sappyness or hijacking someone else's emotional situation for your own will definitely get you teased...by me.

You know that thing where certain persons crave emotional release so badly that they take on somebody else's junk as their own, then freak out about it just so they can blow off emotional steam?

Thats the legendary emotional hijack. "

The relational aftermath immediately following that conversation could only be described as an emotional steamroller.

The important thing I learned that day was this:

I don't understand.


And its best if I remember that.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006

You're Standing Too Close To My SCORCHED EARTH

I just found out there is a corporate finance vehicle referred to as a "SCORCHED EARTH POLICY." I heard that term and immediately thought, "I dont know what this is, but it sounds AWESOME and I want to be a part of it."

Turns out - thats where the stockholders of a company have a deal in place to financially blast the company away in the event of a hostile takeover. Its really a preventative measure rather than an all-out attack on the aquisitive company, but it still sounds neat.

Who knew there was anything that insanely cool lurking in the dusty confines of your corporate finance textbook? All I remember from that class was something about a "beta" and asymptotic graphs of risk. I also remember how my professor was such a genius that he took his college loans and, instead of paying off his debt to the school, leveraged himself into mineral-rights trading. So, what I came out of that class with was a general sense of dissatisfaction over my inability to make money off mineral rights.

By the time he got out of college he was a millionaire and had property all over the place. When I got out of college I had a 1993 Ford Explorer with all the carpet torn out of the back and no other property of any kind....BUT I now know about SCORCHED EARTH policies, and apparently he doesn't. Clearly I WIN.

I'm going home now, and I'm taking my SCORCHED EARTH POLICY with me.


Sweet, Sweet, Des Moines

The interesting thing about Des Moines is……. The airport. Because as far as I can tell it doesn't have air conditioning and it smells like a hospital would smell if hospitals admitted farm animals.

While in Iowa a few months ago I also noticed a stunning lack of racial diversity of any kind and an unbelievable number of pregnant women. And twins. Lots of twins. And milk. Everyone drinks milk. I had to convince my waiter at the restaurant that "No, I really do NOT want any milk. No, seriously. I mean it. Get that milk away from me."

I cant quite grasp it, but I'm almost certain that there is a milk/twins/pregnancy link that I haven't quite figured out yet.

I think I heard they're attributing the airport AC shutdown to a cow that got sucked into its air intake. I guess that’s what you get for parking your airport in the middle of a cornfield.



Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Blind Date

I excerpted the below from an old email I sent to a friend evaluating a blind date.

So the date was a success, I think. I'm basing that on the fact that she didn’t ask to leave early.

Other than that I'm totally oblivious to all hints, subliminal signals, and hormonal indicators that most people would identify and interpret to indicate a positive or negative experience.

Nobody cried

Or vomited

And she didn’t hit me


So I guess that went well.

All things considered - not bad for a blind date.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Dead Man Walking

In attempt at tracking the efficacy of my new low carb low calorie low sodium low fat low taste low fun weight-loss program I have decided to post regular results on my blog; displaying my fat American shame to the world. Enjoy.

May 29, 2006 - Day 1: 224.5lbs: I'm a big fat dummy. I have pronounced jowls. I feel like a walking face. Don't look at me, I'm hideous.
Day 7: 218lbs:
I'm starving and I can't feel my legs, but I've lost bodyweight roughly equal to an average-sized newborn.
Day 14: 224lbs:
Whoops. Week at the beach. I swam out too far after what I thought was a floating snack pack and a fisherman tried to harpoon me. It turned out to be seaweed.
Day 18: 218.5lbs:
Back on track and whaling down with an unprecedented 5.5lb loss. I have confirmed visual contact with my toes again, but I'd sell my house for a twinkie right now. A twinkie lite. A snack cracker. Six grains of rice. Anything. Instead I'm having a nice snack of...water.
Day 19: 222lbs: AAACCCCKKK**!!!#$#$$$%CCKKK!!! How in the world am I 3.5lbs HEAVIER today? That is not physically possible. The laws of the universe have finally betrayed me. Whats next? Gravity? If I start losing gravity I'm going to be really upset.
Day 20: 220lbs: So far it would appear that I have lost 15.5lbs over the last 20 days while simultaneously gaining back 13lbs. I'm not certain how that is possible, but the numbers do not lie. Maybe I should get a blood test. That'll fix it. A good blood test'll fix anything. If I go to the doctor and get that cholesterol test done I always feel right as rain when I leave....Even if his printout says I'm technically dead from a cholesterol overdose.
Day 27: 218lbs: Back on track. No clue why I'd show up two pounds lighter because I definitely haven't done anything to precipitate the loss. Maybe I've been snoring harder in my sleep. Thats great exercise AND its low impact. Nobody ever blew out a knee from excessive snoring.
Day 30: 221lbs: So, not great progress for the last couple of weeks, but I went in to workout with my trainer again today anyway. Big mistake. Sometimes I get myself into these situations where I'm doing something; then all of a sudden my brain goes "wait, now remind me - how did I get here?" Today was one of those.
I was stoically plugging away at 100 leg lifts when my all-bones-and-muscle trainer eased a step closer and suddenly hollered, "IS CAESAR NOT MERCIFUL!!!??" right in my ear. Naturally, I fell off the other side of the bench. The chuckle that followed could only be described as "despotic."
And I pay for this.
Day 75: 212lbs: Ok hey, a new all time high low!!! On one hand, that’s a big step in the right direction. On the other hand, its depressing that my fat rump has grown to 212lbs from a svelte 200lbs even.

Lets face it: I was not built for speed.

Also, I'm eating beef jerky like its going out of style. I'm not kidding, it’s the only thing standing between me and the grim reaper. The Pemmican Jerky Company CEO has started sending me holiday greeting cards.