Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Price of Vanity

I like to linger luxuriously in the bathroom in the morning. Its true - I've come to terms with it. There aren't that many opportunities in life to hang around mostly nekkid, so I take advantage of it. Its a little "me" time, if you will.

Actually, its usually a little "Me AND Bud" time because ordinarily by the time I get to the bathroom he's already in there (nekkd) brushing his teeth. But hey, thats ok - we have two sinks, so nobody's nekkid space gets invaded.

I woke up this morning, yawned, stretched, and gently scratched my hairy chest. I relaxed for a second while I wondered where I was. I remembered the night before, then looked at the clock; it said time to get up, so I walked across the hotel room floor into the bathroom of my suite.

When I got to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and yawned; admired my collection of freckles for a second or two then, still looking at myself in the mirror, I reached my right hand up into my doc kit and rummadged around until I found my toothpaste tube

I craned my neck back to get a better look at my tonsils while I squeezed a very large glob of paste out on my toothbrush by feel - hey, its hotel toothpaste so I can be wasteful, right?

Satisfied with the paste quantity, I leaned back, cracked two of my toes, stretched again, then started to put my toothbrust in my mouth; but I realized something - I had forgotten to wet the boothbrush. So, I leaned around and cracekd my neck while I turned the faucet on and wet my toothbrush; then I opened both eyes wide to check for eye boogers while I began brushing my teeth.

About 15 seconds into my brushing routine I realized something was wrong.

At about 18 seconds I realized something was very, very wrong.

And at 20 seconds I knew exactly what was wrong: I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

Thats the price of vanity.

Monday, September 15, 2008

A Brief Word on The Truth

Several years ago I became quite enamored of a lovely young woman. We met briefly at church (neither of us were drinking) and we hit it off.

Well, I hit it off - she found me mildly irritating enough to go out with (once).

Naturally, when I managed to determine her name I did the only thing a normal red-blooded American man could do: I “Googled” her; and I mean I really Googled her. I Googled so effectively that I hit the veritable pot of gold at the end of the Googlestalking rainbow: Yes, I located her online photo album.

That’s right gentlemen. Jackpot.

From then until our first date she was googled daily by me, my friends, family, the postman - anyone who would loiter by an internet connection long enough for me to dump in my Yahoo! password and pull up that glorious online album.

My friends and I analyzed angles, pieced together family ties, reviewed her friends, and generally memorized those photos as if they were our own.

I had done my homework. I was ready for that first date.

Mid-way through dinner (which was going swimmingly, I might add) she leaned in coquettishly and breathed: “Oh? You want to see my dog? Well, you should check out my Yahoo! Photo album!! Have you seen it?”

As I’m sure you guessed: NO, I didn’t want to see the dog at all; and YES, I HAD seen the photo album, but what to do?

Does the Bible REALLY mean “thou shalt not EVER lie?” EVER? Or is it more like “Thou shalt GENERALLY not lie unless she catches you?”

I sensed the trap, but the innocently furrowed brow shading sky blue eyes lulled me into a false sense of security in my own ingenuity.

In short: I underestimated my fierce opponent - feminine wiles; and gentlemen: I lied.

Had I known that Yahoo! tracks photo album login attempts, reporting them to the album owner daily; I may have been more circumspect in my pursuit of the truth.

Grandkid Trip 2008

Some weeks ago I initiated the Official 2008 Grandkid Trip Plan with the email below:


Dear Fellow Tier 1 and Tier 2 Grandkids, assorted Aunts and Uncles, and Tier 3 cousins:

As the President and CEO of Grandkid Trip Planning, Inc. it is my great pleasure to inform you that 08 Annual Grandkid Trip planning efforts are currently underway. Due to recent economic fluctuations, the overall state of the economy, rising oil prices, and the sad fact that I entirely depleted my own personal funds early in the year; Grandkid Trip ’07, though seriously considered, never came to fruition.

Please accept my sincerest apologies for such an embarrassing dereliction of duty and allow me to affirm my solemn vow that there shall never again be a year devoid of Grandkid Trip hilarity.


Grandkid Trip ’08 will take place on the glorious Island of Anegada in either Mid-December 2008, or early January 2009 – pending further investigation. See the links below for the two hotels on the island and general information:

Neptune’s Treasure Hotel

Anegada Reef Hotel

General Info

I estimate total travel, room, and board costs should top approximately $1,000 per person as follows:

Plane Tickets $500
Ferry $100
Hotel $400
Total $1,000

Food and beverage consumption will vary based on your personal consumption habits. Before you go bananas and respond with vicious cost-conscious emails, please read the “COST DISCLAIMER” below.

I am aware that this is slightly higher than previous Grandkid Trips, but as each of you are able-bodied enough to obtain a weekend job if necessary (and have nearly 6 months to obtain the required funds) I don’t want to hear your whining. You do NOT want to be like Daniel and Shannon (boooo hisssssss) and forever regret missing The First Annual Grandkid Trip - the sadness has marked them for eternity. I also recommend each of you take a moment to address a support letter to each of your parents and follow it, weekly, with a modicum of begging and pleading for funds.

This email will be followed by an official “Evite” containing further details, cost updates, and definite trip dates as soon as possible.


Baby Jimmy

President and CEO - Grandkid Trip Planning, Inc., Representing:

Tier 1 Grandkids
Seth Slocumb
Jimmy “Baby Jimmy” Ewing
Maggie Slocumb
Ashley Slocumb
Margaret “Spike” Ewing
Beau Slocumb

Tier 2 Grandkids
Shannon Slocumb
George Ewing
Daniel Slocumb
Natalie Slocumb
Rob Slocumb
Thomas Slocumb
Austin “Squishy” Slocumb

CC: Tier 3 Cousins and Other Interested Parties
Jim “Big Jimmy” Ewing, Sr.
John T. Slocumb, MD
Sherry Slocumb
Eric Floss
Weesie Floss
Sarah Dozier
Martin Dozier
Charlotte Jimmy Ewing
Beth Ewing
William Slocumb
Paige “Bahki” Slocumb
Emily A. Jones


So, that's my email, but my favorite part is the email I received from my Uncle Robert several days later when he realized I had (inadvertently) left him off the original email. Please see below:

Pot Pot Face:

Where in the HELL is MY name ? It’s too late now, but I should have been the first one in "Tier One"! I guess my wife is cooler and more hip than I am (even though she only made "Tier Three"). May the fleas of 1000 camels infest your nasty butt!!


Uncle (maybe ex-uncle) Robert


And THAT, my friends, is why you wish you could come with us.