Monday, August 14, 2006

Dead Man Walking

In attempt at tracking the efficacy of my new low carb low calorie low sodium low fat low taste low fun weight-loss program I have decided to post regular results on my blog; displaying my fat American shame to the world. Enjoy.

May 29, 2006 - Day 1: 224.5lbs: I'm a big fat dummy. I have pronounced jowls. I feel like a walking face. Don't look at me, I'm hideous.
Day 7: 218lbs:
I'm starving and I can't feel my legs, but I've lost bodyweight roughly equal to an average-sized newborn.
Day 14: 224lbs:
Whoops. Week at the beach. I swam out too far after what I thought was a floating snack pack and a fisherman tried to harpoon me. It turned out to be seaweed.
Day 18: 218.5lbs:
Back on track and whaling down with an unprecedented 5.5lb loss. I have confirmed visual contact with my toes again, but I'd sell my house for a twinkie right now. A twinkie lite. A snack cracker. Six grains of rice. Anything. Instead I'm having a nice snack of...water.
Day 19: 222lbs: AAACCCCKKK**!!!#$#$$$%CCKKK!!! How in the world am I 3.5lbs HEAVIER today? That is not physically possible. The laws of the universe have finally betrayed me. Whats next? Gravity? If I start losing gravity I'm going to be really upset.
Day 20: 220lbs: So far it would appear that I have lost 15.5lbs over the last 20 days while simultaneously gaining back 13lbs. I'm not certain how that is possible, but the numbers do not lie. Maybe I should get a blood test. That'll fix it. A good blood test'll fix anything. If I go to the doctor and get that cholesterol test done I always feel right as rain when I leave....Even if his printout says I'm technically dead from a cholesterol overdose.
Day 27: 218lbs: Back on track. No clue why I'd show up two pounds lighter because I definitely haven't done anything to precipitate the loss. Maybe I've been snoring harder in my sleep. Thats great exercise AND its low impact. Nobody ever blew out a knee from excessive snoring.
Day 30: 221lbs: So, not great progress for the last couple of weeks, but I went in to workout with my trainer again today anyway. Big mistake. Sometimes I get myself into these situations where I'm doing something; then all of a sudden my brain goes "wait, now remind me - how did I get here?" Today was one of those.
I was stoically plugging away at 100 leg lifts when my all-bones-and-muscle trainer eased a step closer and suddenly hollered, "IS CAESAR NOT MERCIFUL!!!??" right in my ear. Naturally, I fell off the other side of the bench. The chuckle that followed could only be described as "despotic."
And I pay for this.
Day 75: 212lbs: Ok hey, a new all time high low!!! On one hand, that’s a big step in the right direction. On the other hand, its depressing that my fat rump has grown to 212lbs from a svelte 200lbs even.

Lets face it: I was not built for speed.

Also, I'm eating beef jerky like its going out of style. I'm not kidding, it’s the only thing standing between me and the grim reaper. The Pemmican Jerky Company CEO has started sending me holiday greeting cards.

5 comments:

Melissa Merkel said...

As long as you never post MY weight on this thing, I will be happy to remain in this carb-devoid existence with you. ;)

PS - sorry about the weak resistance to your mother's bisquits last night. I couldn't help it.

They were calling to me.

Rather loudly.

Anonymous said...

I must say weight loss or not you're funny :)

Anonymous said...

I must say weight loss or not you're funny :)

Becky Phillips said...

Hi..I don't even know you, but I found your blog from Noelle's...so here I am. I just read this and laughed out loud....in my classroom, all by myself (you should know that I teach high school in Conyers...just down the road). I can relate to the weight loss up and down (and even falling off the equipment--or using something the way I think it should be used, only to be told that your leg isn't supposed to wrap around the bar exactly like that...or at all.) Anyway, have a great day; God Bless.

Becky Phillips said...

Hi..I don't even know you, but I found your blog from Noelle's...so here I am. I just read this and laughed out loud....in my classroom, all by myself (you should know that I teach high school in Conyers...just down the road). I can relate to the weight loss up and down (and even falling off the equipment--or using something the way I think it should be used, only to be told that your leg isn't supposed to wrap around the bar exactly like that...or at all.) Anyway, have a great day; God Bless.