So, I Guess I'm a Dad

I signed Tyler up for a quick one-hour massage as thanks for being a solid Mom for the last 6 weeks (to Tripp – not me). 

Me? I’m fine. 

For dinner Tuesday night we had “Cooked Meat Sandwich” with get-your-own-water, and you-don’t-need-a-napkin, and the-forks-are-in-the-kitchen.

To be clear: that’s meat on bread with part of an onion on it.  You know – “Cooked Meat Sandwich”.

Anyway, she was grateful for the massage, which started at 1PM, so she thanked me at 12:45 and toodled out the door unsteadily in a sleep-deprived fog. She walked into the garage - forgetting to shut the door behind her, returned, and and pulled it all the way closed with a “click”.

The sound of that fateful click boomed hollowly in my ears as it dawned on me – I had miscalculated. I was alone with a 6-week-old and it was entirely my own fault.

At the “click” I turned to find Tripp with his head thrown back and his mouth open wide in a soundless howl of anguish emanating from the very depths of his tiny, unformed soul. I felt galvanized; rooted to the spot at the sheer volume of fury simply pouring out of what, moments before, had been a peacefully sleeping infant.

He cried, then he pooped, then he dropped his pacifier, then he cried again, then peed, then cried, then spit out his pacifier, then he was hungry, so I fed him, so he puked, so I changed him, then he had gas, which made him cry, which gave him the hiccups, which made him cry harder, then he pooped, then he cried and peed and pooped, so I changed him, then he was hungry again, so I fed him, so he had terrible gas and cried, then pooped, so I changed him, then he peed, so I changed him, then he peed harder, so I changed him….and all his clothes…..and his swing cushion….which made him cry.

I looked at my watch – it was 1:45.  Soiled diapers dotted the den and foyer like toadstools and the child was lying, naked, on the floor with the “Marketplace” section of the Wall Street Journal spread underneath him.

I texted Tyler at 1:46 – “I am sorry, but you are going to need to come home.”

She texted back at 2:15 “I didn’t get your message”.

And then, I cried. 

The Duckling Killer Exposed

me:  Shannon: as you know I've decided to interview a few interesting family members. As my first cousin and a notorious family "character" - I've chosen to start with you. I think it's time the non-famous get in a word or two.

Also, I intend to make fun of you and perhaps highlight your flaws. Sound good?

Shannon:  Sounds good. A little scared but I think I can hang...

me:  Ok, lets start off small. Whats the worst thing you've ever done?

Shannon:  Wow. Eh, I feel like a really bad person right now.... I hate to say it, but I'm a duck murderer....That poor duckling ..... qqqqqwwwhackkkk!

me:  Ah, yes. I thought that story from your childhood might surface. You accidentally sat on and killed the baby duckling you received as an Easter present.  That was a pretty terrible thing to do, particularly on Easter. 

Shannon: I still feel guilty about it. 

Me: Yeah, I think it probably does make you a bad person; but that was a long time ago - what else terrible have you done? Did you kill another helpless baby animal with your bottom?

Shannon:  No....Only a duck. And a squirrel and armadillo that I ran over with my car.

me:  Do incongruous pairings of animals often run out in front of your car to commit suicide, or were these multiple instances?

Shannon:  Haha no they happened at different times. The armadillo I'm pretty sure did some damage to the undercarriage of my car.

me:  "Undercarriage". Heh. I love that word.

me: Let's keep going. Do you find that you talk to yourself out loud?

Shannon:  Absolutely. I mainly talk to myself when I'm really trying to focus on something. My co-workers think I'm pretty crazy.

me:  By "co-workers" you mean actual people, right?

Shannon:  Yes the other nurses I work with.

me: Gotcha. Do you have a favorite film?

Shannon:  My current favorite is The Dark Knight Rises...I've watched it 4 times since Saturday. That's averaging once a day...not too bad, eh?

me:  Wow. What is today?

Shannon: Tuesday

me:  That is correct. Just making sure you knew.

me:  Did you watch the entire film daily, or certain key parts? Mom watched key parts from Napoleon Dynamite every morning. So, I am familiar with that particular compulsion.

Shannon:  I actually paid attention once. The other 3 times I listened with that far away sense of hearing and I would perk up when my ears caught the parts I liked. 

me:  I use that "Far Away Sense of Hearing" sometimes when Tyler is talking to me, but she confuses it with "not listening at all" so it rarely works to my advantage.

me: On the topic of films: What is the most hilarious on-screen nekkid scene in history? My pick is the sorority pillow fight scene in Animal House. In all my years of lurking outside sorority houses with binoculars - I never once saw a naked pillow fight of any kind. Everytime I see that scene I'm like "Hah! Idiots! That never actually happens!!"

me: Ok, sorry. What's yours?

Shannon:  Eh, ok. Mine is from Forgetting Sarah Marshall when Jason Segal shakes his willy at Kristin Bell right before she breaks up with him. It reminds me of something that [my boyfriend] Chad MIGHT do, not something Chad HAS done. 

me:  Ah. It's amazing the joy and wonderment that comes from having dangly parts, is it not?  Why are naked people so fascinating?

Shannon: Hahaha! I don't know about all that!

me:  Recently someone told me that a man lives in your attic.  I assume she meant the ghost of someone you chopped up into tiny pieces is haunting you. Is that true? Are you subject to a haunting?? Maybe an ex-boyfriend?

Shannon:  Um...I don't think there is anyone in my attic. All of my ex boyfriends are alive.  Anyway, he would have a heck of a time getting out of there. I made Dad and [his friend] Glen wiggle through the access panel to inspect it  and it was not easy for them. At all.

me:  Ok, fair enough. If you do have a haunting you should call the psychic hotline, but do it from your parents house like I do. I think it's expensive.

me:  On the topic of exes - which of your exes do you think we, as a family, liked the least?

Shannon:  Bobby

me:  Wow, that was the quickest response time from any question yet, but that's not true. We liked the white one the least. The rest were ok. 

Shannon:  You must be getting me confused with [my sister] Ashley. 

me:  TOUCHE, MADAME! ZINGER!!

me:  Whew, but even your worst exes were still better than nearly all of Ashley's boyfriends, weren't they?

Shannon:  Hahahaha YES.

me:  She dated some derelicts didn't she? What was that all about?

Shannon:  She sure did. I guess she needed to meet a bunch of wrong ones before she could truly appreciate the right one. I think [her husband] Justin is a gift from God.

me:  I don't care if he's a gift from Buddha, Hare Krishna, or the Three Wisemen - just as long as he'll stick around.

me:  Remember the real' squirrelly guy she dated that didn't believe in toothpaste? He was my favorite.

Shannon:  Yeah, he was a grouch. He also had Oscar The Grouch night slippers that he NEVER took off, which made sense.

me:  Heh. I am surprised none of them ever had to bareknuckle fight [your younger sister] Natalie in a public forum. She's super aggressive. 

Shannon:  Natalie would probably win. Or I could just sit on 'em. Then I would really be a murderer.

me:  ....Sure worked on that duckling....

me: Ok, moving on. Do you find Uncle Buster terrifying or wonderful? Because it seems like most people fall into one of the two camps.

Shannon:  I think he is wonderful.  I saw him bottle-feed [tiny cousin] William at the beach and it confirmed for me that he is a big 'ol softy. I was ticked at him for that too. He stole my second opportunity for getting to feed that baby a bottle....but that was a personal issue of mine...no fault of his.

me:  I'm going to have to disagree with you there.  I once saw Uncle Buster kill a live Grizzly Bear with his bare hands without even dropping his fishing rod. So, clearly he can't be THAT soft.

Shannon: ..... It was really Margaret's fault for allowing him to bottle feed the baby and not letting me do it.....

me:  I can see that situation has really stuck with you. Perhaps you need to get a baby of your own going in the 'ol womb-parts. That'll set you right.

Shannon:  Gotta finish school and get a husband first..

me:  Nah, the order isn't that important. Just get you a baby percolating. Let the rest kinda sort itself out.

me: So, before we leave the topic of Uncle Buster, do you remember the first time he got you to use tobacco?

Shannon:  I have smoked a cigarette once, but that was because of Grandaddy not Buster. I asked him for some money at the beach. Instead, he bought me a carton of Marlboros and told me to sell them to [our cousin Beau] for $5 a pack. I did, but I "smoked" one of them first. I was 6.

me:  ....which puts Beau at about 8....Entrepreneurship gets instilled in us early in this family. 
me: That has "Granddad" written all over it. He was able to teach a quick lesson in demand economics, get both of you in trouble, AND infuriate both sets of parents. 

me: What is your favorite smell?

Shannon:  Ohhhhh this is a GREAT question! Gasoline and White Out and rubber cement.

me:  Good choices. Interesting that you chose three hallucinogenic organic solvents.

me: Do you love new smells? I know I do

Shannon:  Depends on what it is....but mostly yes.

me:  Ok, what is the WORST smell your smeller has smelt?

Shannon:  A pulse oximeter from a baby's foot. [Our cousin] Maggie can attest to that one...I gave her one for Christmas one year because you know how much she likes weird smells...She gagged.

me:  Whoah!  I did not see that one coming! Do you find you kind of want to smell that smell again for some reason? Deep down inside?

Shannon:  No, because I have to smell it on a regular basis in my job as a nurse, so I don't ever have a longing for it. It doesn't matter how little the baby, they all smell the same.

me:  But, obviously, you've chosen to return to that terrible smell on a number of occasions because its a bad smell, but you can't quite get enough of it. Admit it.

Shannon:  Yeah I have to because if you don't change it to a different foot every 12 hours it will irritate the baby's foot....The "yeah" above is not an admission by the way.

me:  "Mmmm, Hmmm..."

Shannon:  Also, I have seen 6 toes on one foot before and an extra pinky finger that looked exactly like a flesh colored junior mint.

me: Wow, that is an interesting factoid, but I'm not big on toes. I dated a girl one time that had 10 toes, and I hated all of them and the rest of her too. 

me: For some reason I bet you can generate watchfunk like a champion. 

Shannon:  What is watch funk?

me:  Nevermind.

me: ok, lets keep rolling here. we're nearing the end of our time together.

me:  They say an obsession with strange smells has alot to do with the Mother/Daughter connection, so lets talk about your Mom for a second. Who is the nuttiest, your Mom or [your Dad] Uncle Robert? 

Shannon:  My mom can be nuttier than him at times.

me:  We're picking "nuttiest" not hedging our bets here, Missy.

Shannon:  Dad then. 

me:  Is it at all possible that the Mother/Daughter connection is the reason you find such solace in foot smells?

Shannon: I'm not sure, but I guess it is possible.

me: What is your take on female body hair? Kill it or keep it?

Shannon:  Kill it - and trust me - I know from experience.  I definitely got the hairy gene. When [our cousin] Thomas was one and a half he asked me "why I had a beard?" I got my face waxed the next day. 

me:  How'd having a beard feel? Kinda felt good, didn't it?

Shannon:  It wasn't a full beard. I like to think of it as exaggerated sideburns. I didn't really notice the feel so much...

me:  Ah yes. A crustache can certainly sneak up on a young lady unawares.

Shannon:  Yes it can.

me:  I do notice that lately you have lovely smooth skin and a rosy complexion (and no beard). Do you have a secret skincare regimen (or shaver)?

Shannon:  Not really and I think that's the key. People who use all that face stuff tend to have the worst skin in my opinion. Look at XXXXXXXX. [Name Deleted]. I did, in the past year, start using a moisturizer from Clinique because the lady there told me my skin was "thirsty."

me:  Those Clinique ladies in the mall look like mannequins with face skin stretched across a wicker frame. If you're 82 and look 60 - it doesn't mean you're beautiful; it means you might be a demon. Don't let them spray their Snow White poison on you when you walk by. It'll turn you into a cripple. 

me: Any words of advice for our readers out there on The Interwebs?

Shannon:  Just be yourself. I can't stand it when people are so insecure that they feel they have to put up a front and not let other see who they truly are. "I don't front!!" I had a beard so I waxed it off, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I once had a beard

me:  ...And why would you be? Beards are AWESOME.

Shannon:  Yeah but I want boys to like me. Fortunately, Chad loves me, beard or no beard, so I may just grow it back.

me: Growing a beard is an excellent way to test a man's love. I say you try it. If he pukes, but comes back: he's yours!  In the meantime - thanks for the interview - and remember what I said about getting a baby - anytime is a good time!