Being Right

I don't know how to sing. In church I kind of sway and warble, but no stranger ever accosts me later and says "we sure would like for you to sing at our wedding".  I don't dance much if I can help it. I'll never go to the moon.

I'm not likely to ever become a woman. I won't invent a new kind of asphalt shingle that engages in photosynthesis to combat global warming. I haven't even thought of a better way to collect rainwater than "barrel" or "mouth".

There are many things I've missed out on, I guess. But you know what I can do? Read a speed limit sign. I can do that.

I have some latent confusion regarding my relationship to the number painted on those signs, so to help me understand more clearly what the police think about that number and my relationship with it, I bought a "Valentine One" radar detector. Then, I bought a special mount for it. Then I bought a special bluetooth module. Then I bought a little thing to plug it into my mirror. Then I bought an entire cell phone that does nothing but help manage the beeps and beeboops that emanate from the detector itself that needed the bluetooth module to work. Then, I bought two special magnetic mounts (one for both my phones) and I got so excited about them I bought 5 more to give as gifts. Then, I accidentally left them in a cardboard box and Tyler threw them away. She never throws HER stuff away by accident. Only mine. It's how she rolls.

To make all that detector stuff work I then discovered that I had to learn something about radar detectors themselves or nothing really made sense. On top of THAT I had to read up on radar itself. Did you know "Ka" band is superwide? Yeah. I know all about that.

Finally. I was ready to roll. And roll I did: right through a laser speed trap, which radar detectors don't help with. When your radar detector says "LASER!" it's really just saying "Hey. You got a ticket just now! How did it feel?"

I am emotionally invested in my radar detector setup. I can't help it, but its true. So, when the cop clomped his way up to my window, leaned in and said "I see you have a radar detector in there son" with a little chuckle - I found myself feeling very betrayed and vulnerable.

He continued: "I guess I definitely have to write you a ticket now. On account of seeing that there radar detector".

This was a bit much. I mean, you can insult me, sure. But not my radar setup. That's private.

So, I said "Here's the thing officer. The way I figure it - if there's a state patrolman standing in my window by the side of the highway with his hand on his sidearm and he's asking me pointed questions about a radar detector. I'm already getting a ticket. Don't you figure?"

He thought about it for a minute and said "I reckon so." and just like that: he handed me a ticket.

I do love being right.