Thursday, February 25, 2010

Misery Loves Company

"So, what’s bothering you?" I said as she furiously punished the sizzling green beans with a wooden spoon.

“You seem a bit offended by the greens. I won’t lie - its making me nervous.”

“Sorry. I’m a little tense.” She responded, furrowed brow and wrinkled nose peering out at me through a cloud of 1,000 degree green bean vapor.

"Eh, why, pray tell?"

“I’m scared of my house.”

……Aaaaaaaaaaaanddddddd we’ve identified another key difference between most men and most women.


I rarely dream, but when I do – I’m normally winning something, getting an award, running for the presidency, saving a village, killing a bad guy, solving a mystery, or winning the lottery. My dreams are GREAT. I can’t wait to go to sleep to find out what great, awesome, world-shattering thing I do next.

I’m a WAYYYY better person in my sleep.

I’m not sure what that means about me - probably nothing good; but what do I care? I can go home and slip right off to sleep! Somehow your harsh judgment doesn’t sting me quite as much when I know between the hours of 12AM and 6AM you’re likely to show up sweeping the floors in my gigantic mansion.

I’ve actually been fanned by palm branches in a dream before. In a world of air conditioners and electric fans it may look overrated, but let me tell you: it’s great.

So, when my leggy consort admitted to a certain sense of trepidation over being home alone, I was immediately out of my depth.

"Well, why don’t you just go to sleep?" I said, brightly.

“I had a bad dream too.” She said, furrowed brow deepening markedly.

“A bad dream?” I said. "What kind of a bad dream?”

“A really bad dream” she mouthed, continuing to assault the green beans.

“Well, you know nothing in your dreams can hurt you! And look – you’re behind a locked gate, behind a locked door, behind another locked door, and surrounded by an alarm system that only you control, with MACE on your nightstand and all-wood floors!! An overweight roach couldn’t slip into this townhouse unnoticed!”

“Well, it’s not me I’m worried about so much” She said. “It’s you

“Oh??! Well, don’t worry about me! I don’t mind being alone at night! When I get scared I just cover my head up with a sheet! And I generally only have to do that if I watch a horror movie right before bed. PLUS, I sleep really soundly AND I snore!!”

“Well. If I were you - I wouldn’t sleep so deeply." She whispered through the rapidly-expanding cloud of steam……"NOT, IF I KNEW I WAS ABOUT TO GET EATEN BY CANNIBALS!!!!"

.....AAAAANNDDDD now I can’t sleep either.

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