Sleep Apnea and Other Ways to Entertain Your Mate

Sleep apnea is the last thing I needed. 

Not the last thing I needed. Second-to-last. The last thing I needed is the big face contraption they’ve insisted I wear to bed to help me not die so soon.

I found out last year I have sleep apnea. I know. I should have mentioned it earlier. Sorry. Now I’m an ex-homeschooled kid who sleeps in a snorkel.....I have officially peaked and am now hurtling downhill at breakneck speed.

Fortunately, I’m married - so I don’t really care about anything anymore and my wife doesn’t mind because it means now: I don’t have to die so soon; which means: I can continue to generate capital for "us". Everybody wins. 

The interesting thing about sleep apnea is that I actually felt fine before I knew I had it. I had no idea I felt terrible; in fact – I’ve always had the excess energy of an 8yr old.

The warning signs are subtle. I started getting a bit sleepy in the afternoons. That was odd. I nodded off a bit at a stoplight once, which struck me as also a tiny bit odd – so I figured I’d better curtail my sleep-driving before I got myself in trouble. Enter Mr. CPAP (that’s continuous positive airway pressure) Machine.

More on that later. First, I had to go in for a sleep study. This is the seamy underbelly of preventative medicine. If there ever was a medical field ripe for the establishment of a prostitution ring – this is it. 

Lucy was my sleep tech. She came into my hotel-like hospital room and spent 45 minutes gluing electrodes to all my parts including my eyelids. She did not want me to take off my boxers. I offered. She said "no." About halfway through the gluing process I stood up and tugged the back of my boxers down to about half-mast. She went into hysterics.  

Ohhh Mr. Ewing now you know I don’t need your undies to come off. 

(Twitter. Buzz. Giggle.)

Oh now mr Ewing please sit down.

But Lucy don’t you want to glue one of those things right back here on my cheeks? I bet we’ll get some interesting data!

Oh Mr. Ewing!  Hee hee Mr. Ewing, you are so bad! Hee hee! (twitter)

She wrapped up the process and helped me gently settle into the bed before trailing out with instructions to “just call out “Luuucyy!” if I needed anything”. Boy did she have the wrong guy.

I tested the sound system about 15 minutes later.

Lucy?

YES MR EWING? boomed a god-like voice from literally every corner of the room.

  

Just checking.

A few minutes later

Lucy? (quietly)

YES MR EWING?

Come scratch me.

Heehee oh Mr. Ewing you are bad! Now go on to sleep.

No, I'm serious. Come scratch me.

Oh Mr. Ewing where do you have an itch?

I can't tell you. I have to show you.

Silence.

You know you have a snoring problem when the sleep study technicians, sitting blearily over their cups of coffee, gawk and laugh at you when you emerge the next morning. Apparently, it was "bad." At one point I held my breath for 65 seconds and their was some discussion among the staff regarding CPR.  That accounts for the last ten years of drowning dreams. I had wondered about that.

So, now I have this little snorkel thing that blows air up my nose and keeps my airway open. If you fight it – you feel like you’re drowning inside a water-less, airless, vacuum of horror, which is terrible. Otherwise, it’s a miracle machine. 

I thought I had plenty of energy already. Now I wake up in the morning absolutely FREAKING OUT over all the things that immediately crowd into my mind to get done.  Between 6:47 and 6:49 AM I have spontaneously thought of a way to use every second of my life until I'm 89, and by 6:52 I am frustrated that the image in my head of the amazing things I intend to accomplish isn't at least 14% complete.

So, there's that.

Mr. CPAP is also good for my marriage. If Tyler annoys me during the night, which she does regularly by being all hot and clingy and refusing to observe even the simplest of bed-sharing guidelines and basic human rights – I can lift my little blower thing off and blow it all in her face until she rolls over, then blow on her face from the other side until she rolls back. That’s good for several hours of entertainment on a slow night.

What's bothering me is this: this CPAP thing is ok, and I guess not having to die as soon is good, but do I really want to cut down on the chances I’ll die in my sleep? Because that's really all I'm doing. I'm at least 50% sure I'm eventually going to die, but with this CPAP business - now I'm pretty sure that, when I do, it's not as likely to be peaceful.

What if I cheat death with the CPAP, but I end up falling down under a tractor instead? In a man as innately curious about tractors as I am – that could be a real problem.

Sleep well.