Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Election Day

Election Day is the day half of America gets to feel furious and despondent and loudly bemoan the country's future while the other half, literally, throws an enormous obnoxious party. I love it because I like knowing half of you are furious and don't know exactly why. That's good comedy.

I also love the Republican Party for consistently selecting un-electable candidates. God bless us and our tiny money-grubbing little hearts. Remember Sarah Palin? That was a Republican genius idea and now she won't go away. She's like a gremlin. We spilled the holy Republican water on her and she's still multiplying.

Consider 2012 a reminder, Republican Think-Tank: most of America still considers Mormonism a cult. That's "Cult" as in: Scientology, Heaven's Gate, or the Branch Davidians... Just nicer...and maybe not as well-armed.

Here's the question you guys might have asked in your pre-primary-selection polls: "What's better than a hugely wealthy Mormon President?" And America answers: "A partially confused semi-Muslim President that we've had for 4 years and one who we are confident won't claim to hear from angels, poison, trap, or kill us individually or en-mass or force us all to wear special underwear."

I actually do like Mitt though. He seems sharp, super-nice. Great family. Then he slips off to that big Tabernacle and God only knows what goes on in there. Shifty. Can't trust him. Was that a secret handshake he gave Ryan on stage last week? Looked like it to me. Welcome back Barack. It almost feels like you were never gone.

Post-election everybody is still worked up over Benghazi and the CIA. I get it, but here's the thing: the press and Federal Government are both unreliable. Don't everybody act shocked all at once.

I lost faith in the press entirely when I realized nobody ever thought to ask Mitt about Temple Underwear.
Does he adhere? How would that impact the Presidency? I can't think of a single part of my life that wouldn't be significantly impacted by mandatory special underwear selected by someone else. If there is one human right I hold sacred - it's the ability to choose....my own underwear. I don't know about Mitt Romney, but if I couldn't come home at night and get into a fresh pair of boxers I'd be a war criminal.

I feel obliged to vote (mostly because of my politically-savvy neighbor, Suzi Voyles, who is equal parts wonderful, reliable, and conscientious) and so I do, while at the same time loathing both political parties equally, the news, newscasters, and while I'm on a roll - professional sports, high fuel prices, and the itchy feeling fiberglass insulation gives you.

Republicans lost. Again. Sure. I get it, but I don't feel upset about our future. I know our future. Guess what's going to happen next year? Everything will be more expensive. Guess what happened last year? Everything got more expensive. Guess what happened in 2006? Everything was more expensive than in 2005.

Here's my prediction through 2016: abortion is going to stay legal, gays are going to keep right on gaying, and white people are going to continue to shrink as a percentage of the population.

I have no commentary to offer on any of that, except to point out one interesting thing about gay couples; they biologically cannot make more of themselves. Don't hate me, but it's true. Heterosexuals make more gays; so if you're all pissed off about the economy and the gay population in America and what all they're up to: you are mad at you. It's your fault for having all those expensive, gay, children who grow up and refuse to work in factories! When was the last time two gay guys went out, adopted a kid and said "Ok kid, you have to be gay like us and you better love it?"  To quote American Comedic Genius, Katt Williams: "Not Never!"

Going forward, you can blame Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and Gay Santa Claus for the condition of the country if you want, but they are going to have very little to do with any of it.

I hope this sets your minds at ease.

If I were you and I was really upset about the good old US of A - I'd get on the horn with my congressmen and women. They actually get to make decisions. The President, by and large, gets to do what he's told. The man can't can't even hold his own war for more than 60 days without approval. Seriously? I don't want to be head of a nation unless I can at least decide when, where, and how long to bomb some other place without too much interference.

A system of checks and balances is great, but a President who can't even smoke inside the White House is one terribly sorry sight. I don't smoke, but if I were President my first official act would be to go room-to-room in my boxers opening all the doors and closets (like I do every morning); then burn through a carton of Marlboro Reds in the Lincoln Bedroom just to prove that, if nothing else; I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS HOUSE, BY GOD.

Poor guy.

It's a wonder anybody wants the job at all.

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