Thursday, October 19, 2006

90 Things Mom Taught Me.

1. When someone is being very rude to you in conversation; imagine them naked in public wearing clown shoes. Then mentally shrink them down until their voices get very, very high and they're 3 feet tall. Its tough to be angry at a publicly naked midget clown.

2. When in the buffet line at a wedding - eat two items while in line and put one on your plate.

3. Always touch the last biscuit before asking if anyone wants it. You're asking because YOU want it, remember?

4. Avoid strict schedules. They're too confining.

5. If you're terrible at something get good enough at it to squeak by, then move on to something else.

6. Avoid television.

7. Experiment.

8. Wear your seatbelt, its sitting right there anyway.

9. Brush your teeth frequently. Why not? It doesn't take long.

10. Keep M&M's handy.

11. Never be afraid to throw away a food item someone gives you if its terrible. Tell them you loved it. That’s a white lie, not a black one like when you lied about eating all the M&Ms.

12. If you circle the table while eating, the calories and your exertion cancel each other out.

13. Maybe you can't help how you feel, but you're the only one who can control how you act.

14. Catharsis is rarely worth it.

15. Closure is overrated.

16. They're not family, so don't worry about it.

17. Try food you've never liked before once and while. Sometimes you change your mind.

18. If your time invested doesn’t line up with what you think are your priorities, something is wrong.

19. People know when you don't mean it. They're not stupid either.

20. If somebody says something, and you think maybe they meant something else - you're probably right.

21. The people are more important than the meal or the event.

22. You rarely lose by giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

23. Chances are good they meant it. Chances are also good that if you ignore it, it'll eventually go away.

24. If you're not passionate about something - you're boring.

25. You are like your friends whether you like them or not.

26. Don't be stupid.

27. Be nice to nerds because:
A. Somebody out there thinks YOU are one, and
B. You're going to end up working for one eventually.

28. Don't waste time. Either be doing something, or be asleep.

29. Don't take sports too seriously. That’s boring.

30. If you do watch television, at least don't yell back at it.

31. Until you find someone you can't stand NOT to be married to, please don't get married.

32. Do not comment about newborn babies. Period. If you must speak say, "that is a beautiful baby."

33. R.S.V.P.

34. If you're feeling lonely at a party; check the nearest corner. There is someone there lonelier than you. Talk to them, then go check the other corners. Pretty soon the party is in your corner.

35. Chasing the cool crowd puts you…..right behind the cool crowd. They're chasing a cooler crowd. Leave it alone and go find the nerds.

36. Strategize.

37. No, you're right. She did it on purpose to manipulate you and she does it a lot. You normally don't notice, but you better!

38. Make the most of it, but don't worry too much about how you look. You're stuck with it.

39. Always have a casserole handy.

40. There is no such thing as an unwanted far as they know.

41. You can't play fair if there aren't any rules. Either make rules, or don't worry about playing fair.

42. A big task is lots of small tasks. Do one small task everyday even if you can't complete it right away. Then one day you'll be shocked to realize you finished the whole thing. Its like finding money in the dryer.

43. Most people probably shouldn't sing out loud.

44. If they put something on the table you just can't stomach; you better eat it anyway.

45. You can't fake modesty.

46. Don't fight with your sister.

47. Most of the time its not worth it to be right.

48. You can find a way to pay for it.

49. You can always put it on a zero-interest credit card and figure it out later.

50. Might as well buy the best one if you're going to spend all that money anyway.

51. The rule about doing what adults tell you to do does not apply to your uncles. They're like children.

52. Do NOT get on the four-wheeler with your Uncle Robert.

53. You're not "insensitive"; you were just born without a key emotional component that most women have.

54. Sometimes telling her the whole truth really isn't the nice thing to do. Put her on a "need to know" basis and get out of there.

55. Lying and omission of the truth are identical. The "whole truth" and a "white lie" are somewhere in-between.

56. Cornbread is much harder to get right than most people realize.

57. Using more than one type of pre-mixed ingredient packet means its from scratch.

58. If you win at any cost you're usually the one who pays for it.

59. Losing gracefully is much easier if you really don't care.

60. Lets buy the $15 shirt from target instead of the $40 shirt from the GAP and spend the $25 on icecream for everybody.

61. If you go for the check; get the whole thing.

62. If you really wanted to get the check you wouldn't have asked; you'd have snuck your credit card to the waiter when nobody was looking. People subconsciously realize that. Don't be cheap.

63. There is nothing worse than cheap people.

64. Let yourself be taken advantage of for money, time, food, or work and count on God to take care of you. If He doesn't its his fault, not yours. Either way it becomes somebody else's problem and you don't have to worry about it.

65. Do not tolerate people you love being taken advantage of.

66. People will always take advantage of you. If you get rid of everybody that hurts you you're going to get lonely.

67. There is nothing wrong with sneaking out the back if you find it more convenient.

68. Get there late and leave before people are ready for you to. That way they're always ready for you to come back.

69. The center of attention can be alot of fun depending on the type of attention.

70. Driving 80mph in a 70mph zone when you're only going 80 miles to begin with saves you 11.66 minutes. The last ticket you got cost you $200. Thats $17.15 per minute or roughly $1,029 per hour. Your time isn't worth that much: slow down.

71. There is always somebody smarter, tougher, faster, more successful, better looking, or richer than you. Knowing that doesn't make you feel better when you lose, but at least you're not surprised.

72. In relationships: fish or cut bait.

73. If you get a weird feeling about something - get out of there.

74. If its not on the table already - don't ask for it.

75. If you wait to develop wholly pure motives before you do something nice for someone; you're going to be waiting a long time. Go ahead and do it and don't worry about why. So you're motives weren't pure? Big deal. At least you did something nice.

76. You don't miss the money you give away.

77. Its better to have friends with a boat than to have the boat yourself.

78. If somebody you know talks too much and one day they betray your confidence; its your fault. You knew they were a blabbermouth to begin with, dummy.

79. Granddad always said that if somebody borrows $10 from you and never pays you back; it only cost you $10 to find out he's a crook and a liar. Thats good information - cheap.

80. Do your own thing.

81. If you stay up late - you can always sleep late to make up for it. Thats the nice thing about nighttime.

82. There is nothing wrong with doing two things at once if you can get them both done.

83. Be nice to Grandma. She let you spill stuff all over her house when you were little and didn't complain.

84. You'd be amazed if you knew how many people thought the exact same thing about you.

85. Hopefully people don't think the same thing about you.

86. Its amazing what you can get away with if you try it with a smile.

87. Rework your criteria for picking causes.

88. Eating it doesn't really help the people starving in Africa, but it does help put your life in perspective.

89. Its good to be the boss, but its also good not to be the boss too.

90. Don't make too many decisions based on what other people will think. Chances are good they're not really thinking about you anyway.

91. There is nothing wrong with a mild Christmas present obsession.

92. There is no excuse for being rude.

93. Doodling is healthy.

1 comment:

Alison & Nathan said...

I'm going to print that off and keep it with me. Very well written and most of them I can hear her saying with the laughter in her voice. In fact, I may have been there when you were told a few of them. The one about newborn babies in particular. Ha!