Wednesday, November 04, 2009

There Is No Ice Cream

I generally don’t ask much of you guys - just a quick read periodically to make me feel all fuzzy inside, but today I want to run something by you and I’d like a little feedback.

So, my understanding is: you choose a woman to marry, then after you’re married she suddenly embodies all the things you love about your Mom.

That IS how it works, right?

Basically, you date somebody for a long, long, long,

Really, really,

Really long,

A super long, incredibly long, nearly age-defyingly-long, time.

Then when you lose your head and get married, a switch flips, and voila! A new, much more domestic, waffle-making, pork-barbecue-making, breakfast-cooking, kitchen-mopping, always-well-coiffed, person appears and begins taking care of you and she never mentions anything bad about meats.

I was under the impression that was the deal. Then, last week, as a sort of "trial run" I asked Tyler if she would "please fix me some ice cream?" Mom would have fixed me some ice cream, so I figured that was a fair request. Plus, Tom had just stuck dynamite in Jerry's cat food, and I wanted to see what was going to happen.

She smiled sweetly, got up, went in the kitchen, fixed a bowl of ice cream, came back in the room, sat down, and without so much as a mention of the location of my ice-cream, she proceeded to eat the entire bowl of ice cream herself; right there in front of God and everybody.

I was dumbfounded. Speechless.

When she was finished she looked up and said “see how easy that was?”

So, after a brief lesson in "what I am to do when I need something"; I went in the kitchen to fix myself some ice cream.....and it was all gone.

I heard a chuckle in the room behind me, but I didn't turn around. Instead, I pretended to have gone in there to fix myself some water.

My question to all you married people is this: where is MY ice cream?

Please choose one:
A. Tyler ate my ice cream. It WAS mine, then it BECAME Tyler's when she thought of eating it.

B. My ice cream is in the other freezer, she wouldn't actually eat ALL of MY ice cream.

C. Since there is no ice cream, there must never have been any ice cream to begin with. I was mistaken in assuming there was ice cream, and that it was mine. Tyler already knew of the ice cream situation. If only I had asked Tyler what the ice cream situation was, I would have known and not made a fool of myself for thinking there may be ice cream. Instead, because I failed to consult Tyler, I have shamed my family.

D. Everything I have is Tyler's until I'm told differently (by Tyler).

E. Every man must relive the consequences of Adam's Fall From Grace; in my unique case: I am allowed no ice cream.

F. She ain't trained right yet.


Austin said...

G. From the moment a woman other than blood relative enters your life the following happens with respect to ice cream: 1) All ice cream you have ever eaten in your life has transferred ownership to the new woman as if you never owned it in the first place. 2) All future ice cream is hers and hers alone and she will be the sole arbiter of all things ice cream related. 3) If you are caught trying to abscond with her ice cream you will also lose Fudge Pop and Jello Pudding ownership as well. 4) Any mention that you would like to eat ice cream is immediately followed by a suggestion that your waistline does not need that addition, however, the same logic is not applied to her because if you were to turn that table then you will lose much more than a simple dessert or snack.

Alison, Nathan and Will said...

D. Everything I have is Tyler's until I'm told differently (by Tyler).
The end. Once you cross from casual to considering this becomes your reality. As my husband has said more than once, "what's mine is hers and what's hers is hers."
This story makes me like Tyler, in fact she may have even just earned my respect. Well played Ms. Davenport, well played.