A Salute to Fatherhood

Fatherhood, like marriage, has been an incredibly interesting and satisfying gig. It's part of life that changes you and you can't help it and nobody could prepare you for it and if they could - they wouldn't, because its so much more satisfying to watch other people struggle.

Satisfying though it may be - marriage and fatherhood do change you.  I'm older and fatter, sure, but I'm also more responsible, poorer, and much less entertaining; so I've got that going for me.

That's not all: I used to eyeball a good looking girl in the elevator and KNOW, deep down inside - she wants me, Bad. I was certain of it. "Who was she???" Who cares!?? There I stood - chubby, freckled and desirable. What more could a woman want?

After spending nearly 4 years in very close proximity to a live female - I now know the answer to that question: "ALOT", but it doesn't matter! HAH! I'm married, I have a child, I smell like ground-up english peas and cooked carrots (which I hate) and yesterday I rummaged around in my pocket after my truck keys and I came out with a bottle nipple and a baby spoon all squashed together in a damp fragment of paper towel. That's not sexy.

I haven't seen a good-looking girl on an elevator in years. It's not that she doesn't exist - I'm sure she's still there (talking loudly on her telephone in the elevator because basic rules of conduct don't apply to the super-hot) it's just that I couldn't possibly care less. Is she standing in the way of the button that takes me to the 1st floor? Yes? Then the best thing she can possibly do for me is get out of my way. There is a very grubby rugwallower at home in need of a bath and the time slot I have in which to complete that task without an explosive come-apart is shockingly narrow.

Nowadays I get on that elevator and all I see is the hazy outline of a woman on a telephone who is sure to find a way to aggravate me if only she had the time....

No thanks! "First floor, please"....

That's not all that's changed. I don't even remember how it felt to read a magazine that hadn't been lovingly mouthed for a few hours in prelude to a thorough mastication of the cover and all the best articles - satisfying, I bet.

Certain defining elements of my persona have suddenly disappeared entirely. I used to go to bed between midnight and 4AM as a basic rule. I felt good about that. You can sleep when you're dead, right? Now, if I'm not in bed by 9 - I probably am dead.

If it's past 8PM and I can't lean forward in my chair and glimpse the outboard corner of my bed - I start to panic. I need that bed, folks, and once I am in it - nary a sound reaches my ears; which is a particularly helpful skill if you happen to have a 10 month old.

I told you all of that so that I could tell you this - the only fatherhood tip I feel confident enough to share with you - Earplugs - Wicked, yet effective!!