Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Censured by The HuntFish Adventure Club

Hank: Guys, You know what really grinds my gears? I leave Jimmy a message saying I am fishing the hooch Saturday and have 3 people so he is the 4th and we will use his canoe and mine. He responds via text “Not sure. If I do I’ll have Tyler with me which won’t help your boat situation. If you want the boat its at the house. Motor and battery in the carport.”

Jimmy, wtf? A cardinal rule that I try to follow in all circumstances is “no girls before dark.” It has kept me more or less worry-free throughout my life. It allows you to drink beer and go fishing with your friends and then get wild at night with the womenfolk. Jimmy obviously doesn’t realize the fatal mistake he is making. Plus, on top of that, girls are not fun to hang out with in the daylight, so I am doubly confused.

What are you going to do next Jimmy? Get a job?

Unemployed, single, Jimmy is one of my favorite people. Girlfriend Jimmy might get cut out of the will. I am understandably unimpressed.

I agree. Jimmy, you better slow down or you will soon wake up married with a child. Then you will find yourself changing diapers & going for walks instead of fishing and hunting during your so called “free time.”

Hank: He deserves whatever fate befalls him. I am washing my hands of the situation.

Me: Hank – its not like that. I’m at the beach! C’mon. Give me a break.

Hank: Jimmy. Please don’t respond only to me. Everyone is in this discussion now and I would choose your words wisely cuz theres alot a' splainin' to do. As for what time I am going, we are going to go out tonight and get hammered drunk while talking to girls after dark. I plan to get up in the morning, eat lunch, and get on the river around 2 or 3. I don’t want to interrupt any cuddle time though.

Fred: What is this? I return to my office from lunch to find my inbox filled with distressing emails regarding one James Ewing. I peruse the chain and find that not only does Jimmy have a girlfriend (which I was, not surprisingly, aware of), but said girlfriend is now cutting into huntfish time. Severely. I have had suspicions of as much though. Jimmy has been eerily quiet on multiple group emails that were ripe for satire. Jimmy has not inquired into the productivity of recent fishing trips, nor has he collectively mused about our next fishing trip. These are all sure signs that Jimmy has become woefully entangled in Girlfriendlandia (which is magically created when a new girlfriend divides the sum of all the awesome things that happen hunting and fishing by “0”, and we all know that you can’t divide by zero; this in turn results in a black hole of sorts that the man is dragged into where he is incapable of contacting the outside world).

Jimmy is certain to read this and think to himself, “oh, the hypocrisy! The pot deriding the kettle!”. To this I offer my simple recipe for avoiding Girlfriendlandia (of course, as we are all so painfully aware, it’s too late for Jimmy to use this): when you feel like you’re about to come down with a bad case of Girlfriend, don’t necessarily fight it. If you enjoy spending time with her and making out, you may proceed. Just before the “let’s be boyfriend – girlfriend talk” though, hereafter referred to as “The Talk”, sit the young woman down and explain in no uncertain terms how much the outdoors mean to you. And your how much your friends mean to you. And how much beer means to you. Be sure to emphasize how much time you typically devote to outdoors, friends, and beer (this is prior to entering the relationship). Then put it all in writing. Have her sign it (which she will readily do because she “knows” she can change you), have it witnessed, have it notarized, and place it in a safe deposit box that only you have access to (she will attempt to destroy this document during deer season, duck season, crow season, turkey season, dove season, and fishing season – so pretty much all the time). When the day comes when you feel guilty about going away on a sure-to-be-awesome adventure with your friends and beer, go back and read The Document. You can quote the document to Girlfriend as needed. Disaster averted. Go huntfish.

Note: this formula does not work on preexisting girlfriends.

My prognosis: Jimmy has an inoperable preexisting condition that is dragging him into another dimension where we will never hear from him again.

Hank: The only thing I have to add is this. It goes along with the “better to beg forgiveness than ask permission” mantra that ranks up there with “no girls before dark.”

If you have any doubt as to the amount of guilt-tripping that will be heaped upon you when you tell a girl you are leaving to go hunting/fishing for the weekend, use the Fred Hand method. Turn your phone off and deal with it Sunday night. I’ve seen it work more times than I can count. Better yet is a method I employed Friday before turkey season my Junior year. Call her on the way to the farm and break up with her. Said girl is happily engaged and I am happily not engaged.

Fred: There are certainly multiple treatments for Girlfriend, but there is really no cure if you don’t get The Document signed before The Talk. Jimmy has painted himself into a corner here. Actually, Jimmy painted all of us into a corner. Jimmy, you have brought Girlfriend into our midst without proper clearance and paperwork. You just handed Obama the keys to the White House with all the nuclear launch codes. Girlfriend now has the ability to destroy huntfish trips at will. Assuming she still lets you have a cell phone, she doesn’t even have to be near us to destroy a huntfish adventure.

Dammit Jimmy, I want answers. I want an explanation. A good start would be, “I’m sorry”.

Words that describe my feelings regarding the situation that Jimmy has gotten himself and all of us into: unimpressed, provoked, not amused, betrayed, heavy hearted, gut-shot, sick, queasy, irritable, flaccid, confused, broadsided, offended, and worst of all, unaggressive.

Me: I’m in the car halfway home from Charleston. I can’t respond adequately. You’re killing me. Rebuttal will follow.

Hank: If the rebuttal doesn’t include nekkid pictures*, don’t bother.
*girl pictures. Not you.

Me: You’re all sick.

Hank: Charleston, huh? You can just stay in South Carolina, Jimmy. You’ve caused enough problems for all of us today. I hope you’re happy with yourself. I’m going to have to go drown my sorrows in a bottle of single-malt. I might even have to leave work early. Luckily there is a liquor store between me and the SR 400 on ramp. My liver does not appreciate your decision-making.

Fred: This is not over Jimmy. As I have sat here toiling away on addressing plans, utility drawings, and service providers, my brow has furrowed. It has furrowed deeply, Jimmy. How you managed to wind up in this unconscionable predicament which has massive, unrealized, far reaching implications for all of us at the Huntfish Adventure Club is beyond me. I will look back on June 12, 2009 as the day I found out that Jimmy Ewing unwittingly and naively imploded the Huntfish Adventure Club (Jimmy, “unwittingly” better be the proper word. If I find out that “knowingly” is more appropriate, I will pour sand in your gas tank and break every fishing rod you own.). This is the most unaggressive decision that anyone I associate with has made. Ever. It’s downright cowardly. Even treasonous. I haven’t had a bigger Benedict Arnold pulled on me since Matt decided to date Leslie.

You don’t know Matt or his Girlfriend, but let me tell you the story. And you damn well better read this, Jimmy, because by not getting The Document signed beforehand, this is the path you’ve chosen. Matt was my huntfish adventure buddy for just about my whole life. We went on all sorts of adventures on a very regular basis. Matt was always somewhat concerned about school things because he’s from Alabama so it was harder for him, but he was good for adventuring just about any time. Then Matt went and got himself a Girlfriend. She promptly divided all our awesome adventures by zero and now Matt’s been lost in Girlfriendlandia for about 3 or 4 years now. I lose track because he can’t be reached. Do you know how many times Matt sat in a deer stand last year, Jimmy? Zero. Zero times. Do you know how many times Matt’s been fishing this year, Jimmy? Once. And do you know what Matt did the entire time we were fishing? He texted. He walked outside the cabin to talk on the phone for extended periods at night. If there’s one thing I can’t stand on huntfish adventures, it’s excessive texting.

You think about this when some unforeseen adventure pops up.

Hank: Just wait for that call to go fish Fred, Jrs in the fall. I have a suspicious feeling that it will land on a weekend when you have to go to Tyler’s best friend’s wedding or some abhorrence like that. I’m going to the liquor store and then home. The difference is I am going to by a 12 pack of natty and a bottle of scotch. Jimmy and Tyler are thinking of splitting a nice white zin tonight and cuddling up for “The Notebook”

I’m off to get lit. It’s been a long week.

Fred: I’m going dark too. I’ll call you and figure out some plans. Jimmy, you know what you can do with your “rebuttal”. You are welcome to come hang out with us tonight. I know you won’t be able to, but I’m extending the offer because I want to kick you in the shins. Judson, have a good weekend buddy.

1 comment:

Kitty said...

As a female and and Jimmy's friend, I would like to make a few suggestions and observations. I find it very interesting the nice neat boxes you have for women, almost like tackle box for your life with a special drawer for girls. Hmmm. Are most men this way?
I would like to offer an idea to Hank and Fred: get girlfriends; earn more $$; tell girlfriends they can have the weekends to shop, eat, spa with the extra $$ and the other girlfriends. Problem solved!
By the way, there is no hope for rescuing Jimmy. I have known this for years...he is too easily "lured" by the female sex. He wants to be caught and he seems to think that he can have it all - a woman and HuntFish. Kinda like a young, bold bass or something who thinks he can play the dangerous game with wiggling worm dangling out in front of him. We all know what happened to that sassy fish...Unless y'all bring some more women into the group, all hope is lost. It really is the only option I see for HuntFishing with Jims again.