Wash Your Hands, Weirdo

I generally don't publish much in the way of "serious" topics, and for good reason; I've learned that nobody wants to hear what I think unless its funny. I can respect that. I don't much care what you think either, unless you think you want to give me a million dollars. I'm willing to discuss free money pointed my way, at length, anytime.

However, if something funny happens to you - lets hear it. Did you fall down in public? Did Mike Vick invite you to a dogfight in 1998? Did your Dad know Lewis Grizzard? Have you ever had a doctor insult you during a physical exam? Did you spend an hour in a bar hitting on a transvestite unawares? Have you ever owned a ferret? Does your grandmother smoke pot on the sly? We're friends - you can tell me anything!

If its funny - I'm your man, but you can save your cute dog stories - I just don't care how high Fluffymop can jump, or that little Bosco learned to sit last week. Big deal - Bosco is 8 years old, and Fluffy is too fat to move. Get a labrador retriever of any variety you choose, and teach him to do something useful - then we'll talk, but remember: dogs aren't people - they're carnivorous mammals and they only love you if you feed them regularly. Try it - leave the door open, don't feed Barley for two weeks and let's see where he ends up. My guess is: not with you.

While we're on the dog topic: to the woman across the street who lets her dog use my lawn with impunity: SERIOUSLY???!?? Thats a mailbox right there, woman - not a PLACE DOG POOP HERE sign.

But really, I don't blame her. You people that jog around carrying dog poop in a Kroger sack are nuts. When was the last time your proctologist walked in the exam room wrapping a Kroger sack around his hands? I bet 90% of the world population that "didn't have a condom handy" probably DID have a Kroger sack handy, but that didn't do anybody any good did it? So, WASH YOUR HANDS, weirdo - and get a house with a dog door and a fence around it for crying out loud! That dog doesn't want to walk around tied to a rope anyway - he wants to chase and eat other critters. I think he ought to be free to do it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no "animal rights activist" in the strictest sense of the term. Sure, I'll shoot a deer, but YOU are the one committing a crime against the animal kingdom; not me. Animals eat other animals all the time, but you don't often see a deer traipsing around leading a raccoon tied to a string, do you? I haven't either, but if I did I'd shoot the raccoon first, then stuff them both, and tell an awesome story about the time I shot a deer who had a pet raccoon.

As far as your silly dog tricks go - I hate to break it to you, but your dog doesn't really sit, stay, or come. I've seen everybody's dog, and I'm not impressed. You want to meet impressive dogs? Meet Allie Farmer, Cember Maddux, and Gauge Landers. If I fall asleep too early after a duck hunt and forget to brush my teeth; Cember will wake me up, breathe on the mirror and lick "BRUSH YOUR TEETH JACKASS" in the fog with her tongue. Thats what kind of a dog Cember is. Thats a man's dog. You want a beer? "CEMBER: BEERTHIRTY" will get you whatever you want, fast, and with a smile. Your wife won't even do that - I know because I've met her too and I prefer Cember.

So listen: "Sit Barney. Sit Barney. BARNEY. SIT BARNEY. Here is a treat Barney. NOW SIT BARNEY SIT PLEASE. SIT. OH DAMN YOU BARNEY PLEASE SIT." doesn't impress me - I don't care how cute Barney is. What makes me teary-eyed is when that duck goes down a quarter mile away and Cember swims through 30 degree water, breaking ice, to bring it back and doesn't mind riding in the back of the truck on the way home.

Enough with the cute dog stuff. You want a parlor trick? Give my little brother a lighter and two cans of baked beans, or get Uncle Robert to blow smoke out of his tearducts - THAT is quality entertainment, but please, PLEASE check your Kroger sacks and your brain-dead Labradoodles into doggy-day-care when I come around.