Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stick Your Boobs Back On, Ashley

"DAD. WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?" Natalie asked, loudly, through the sliding glass door; sun-scorched beach and blue sky shimmering behind her.

"I'm writing dirty words on the refridgerator" responded Uncle Robert, calmly lighting a Benson and Hedges Ultra Light Menthol 100s. "Do we have another magnetic 'c' and 's' somewhere?

I looked over to see "FUGK ME HONKY AS BOOBOO" spelled out in children's magnetic refridgerator letters.

"Quit hollering, Natalie, or I'll take away your fake ID", put a high arch in 19-year-old Natalie's right eyebrow and precipitated her rapid departure.

Robert grinned. "I ain't no dummy. Now go find me the damn 'c' and 's' before Sherry gets up" he pufffed smokily in my general direction.

Instead, I headed out to the beach.

Later that afternoon we retired from the beach to dinner upstairs. The house, basically two houses stacked atop one another (the top for "adults", the downstairs for children, Uncle Robert, and Uncle John), was full of people. The spicy scent of Uncle John's low country boil wafting in from the back porch mixed with cigar smoke and rose to cloud the rafters above, themselves fairly vibrating with the laughter and talk from the noisy throng below.

Cousin Ashley, always lovely, pranced in just before dinner with several shopping bags and loudly exclaimed "Ok everybody! Looky what I got!" She then rummaged around in a sack held at her waist, and produced two adhesive breasts. Before anyone had time to respond, Maggie popped her head out of the kitchen and exclaimed, "Is that to keep your big 'ol boobs from being all saggy?" To which Ashley immediately rejoined "MY boobs are NOT saggy!" with great distaste.

Maggie (grinning mischeviously): Well. How do you define 'saggy'? Ehhh, anyway..not 'saggy' really. I mean - you know...just a bit 'flopsy'.

Ashley: "WHAT? They are NOT 'FLOPSY' or "SAGGY" or any other 'Y', MAGGIE!!! .... GRANDMA!!! TELL MAGGIE THAT MY BOOBS ARE NOT FLOPSY!!" she shrieked.

Gma: Ashley, we don't say 'boob' at the dinner table.

Maggie: Ok Ashley. They're just. You know - 'big'.

Ashley: NO THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE "PERKY." You have MOSQUITO BITES, MAGGIE!!! Ashley hollered, now appearing to be in a certain amount of inner turmoil.

Ashley continued to staunchly defend her youthful stature until Maggie capitulated, then when Ashley's back was turned Maggie stuck her head back out of her room and, eyes wide, silently mouthed "THEY ARE BIG, FLOPPY BOOBS!!" before slipping back into her bedroom with a sly look and a wink at the table.

Ashley, disgusted, also retired to her bedroom, only to pop back out a few minutes later and ask, "Hey, has anyone seen my boobs?"
Maggie: Oh yeah! I've seen 'em!
Ashley: No, I mean the stick-on ones that I just got.
Robert (walking in): What in the world are y'all talking about? Ashley - good grief!

Uncle John (grinning), silently lifts his shirt to expose one smooth "C" cup adhesive breast stuck firmly over his right nipple.

GMA: Well, he's a lady-doctor. He can do that.
Uncle William: WHAT in the WORLD does him being an OB-GYN have to do with this?!? I am so sick of hearing about how he's a "lady doctor"! AUGH!
Maggie (in background pointing at Ashley): "FLOOOOPPPPYYY BOOOBBBBB!!!!"

Ahh. The Beach.

May your Uncles live forever, may your tan lines never fade, and may your adhesive boobs always stay right where you put 'em.

Best wishes for summer 2009.

1 comment:

Kitty said...

I have often thought your blog, One Brick Shy, would serve many purposes. First and foremost, an outlet for you to write, which I think you do very well. Second, to have your work read by many. Third, OBS is highly entertaining for me. I now realize a fourth and also very important role that your blog is playing. OBS acts as a tool for your future or current dating relationships- a tool that holds dual purposes: to cultivate and to wean. Depending on what they -the future "datee"- might be looking for in a relationship/mate, your blog acts as a warning light to "stay/run away", or a beacon to "come hither". I applaud your efforts and subtle ways to separate "the sheep from the goats".
I do feel for your cousins, however. I don't know many girls who would want it publically known that they own a pair of removable fake boobs- kinda defeats the purpose of owning them...a bit. But by now your family members should know that if they whip out breasts- especially ones that have been purchased- the story will be broadcast on the world wide web courtesy of One Brick Shy.