Friday, September 25, 2009

Usher For Hire

As a brief follow-up on my discussion of Beau’s engagement I’d like to point out that I’ve been invited to usher; an honor which is fine by me because ushering relieves me of speaking or excessive standing responsibilities. Plus, as you well know - ushering is a high-responsibility position, fit for only a chosen few.

As Head-Usher, I also get to move around a lot; something I consider absolutely necessary to my mental state. I’m going to move around a lot anyway though, so you’re better off with me shaking and fidgeting down the aisle before the service rather than toe-tapping, chewing, biting, twitching, and walling my eyes around up on stage right in front of God, your unity candle, and everybody else.

An invitation to participate in that holy ceremony is important on alot of levels, some you may not have considered. For instance: I knew Matt Dunn and I were fast friends when he came into my room one morning at 5AM (mostly naked, and apparently itchy), stood in the doorway scratching himself against the doorframe, and loudly announced: “Hey man. You up? Just thought I’d let you know: you don’t have to be in my wedding.”

Let me just say: I was flattered to have been extended that courtesy.

All things considered, if one DOES have to be IN the wedding, the question becomes one of importance. I, for one, consider my Usherial duties sacrosanct, but I also sense that the usher’s role in a wedding is vastly underrated by your average wedding-goer. Most people think the pastor, co-ordinator, or bride is the Weddding Festivies CEO, in general, but they’re not – it’s the ushers who run the show.

We're like the Rothschilds of the wedding day - nobody seems to notice, but we basically own your soul for 32-64 minutes. Ushers have nearly all the power. Consider, if you will, the havoc that your average wedding-usher can wreak on the population:

Bridal guests on the right, guests of the groom on the right?
What if I don’t feel like it?

Women left to forlornly waver down the aisle unsupported?
Perhaps I had to take a phone call!

Divorced partners seated comfortably together?
God loves reconciliation and I am but his lowly agent.

You may not go on an alcohol-laced three-day bender right before your wedding.
But I might.

What if I prefer to have all single women 20-45 seated in a certain location? What are you going to do about it, Bridezilla?

Most importantly: what if I need to sing? What then???
Once you’re sequestered, locked away from view in your bonds of white and lace – the party is all mine, and WhiteLady: sometimes I just have to sing out!

OHHHHH H LAWWDD MYYY GAWWWDDDD, WHENNN I IN AWEESOME WONNNNDDDEERRRRRRRR, CONSIDERRR ALLLLL THE WORLDS THY HANDDSSSS HAVE MADDEEEEEEE!!
I SEEE THEEE STARRSSSSS, I HEARRRR THE ROLLLINNGNGGGG THUNNDAAAAAAAA!!!!!
THY POWER THROUGHOUT THE UNNNNNNNIIVERRRSEEE DISSSSSPPLAAAYYYYYEEDDDDDD (AAWHAAAPAPP!!!)

THENNNNNNNNNNNSSIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGSSSSS MY SOUULLLLL MY SAVIOUR GAWD TO THEEEEEE,
HOW GREEATT THOOUU AAARRRTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sing because I’m happy, and I am happiest when I usher, but its still alot of work. And lately - I've been under alot of pre-wedding stress.

To quote our univerally-celebrated mascot, Usher Raymond: "I've been working so hard, I'm about to have a Mariah Carey. "

1 comment:

katiekcombs said...

I am once again laughing out loud while sitting at my computer!! and have to listen to my 11 and 8 year old "what's so funny?" They don't get it!