Friday, October 23, 2009

Russia, Land of The Deadly Circus Bear

See here for what could easily be the most important news you read all day:

My favorite part is that the writer described “fatal” trained Russian circus bear attacks as “rare.” Note that he or she did not say non-fatal attacks were rare, just fatal ones.

Good grief.

I’m actually surprised that fatal attacks weren’t described as “pretty common” or “the best part of the show”, because I’ve seen trained bears doing stuff before and they look supremely pissed off. I can’t say I blame them. If you stuffed me in a clown costume, taped a propeller-hat to my head, and whipped me until I rode a child’s bicycle in a circle to the amusement of 10,000 people at a time – I’d spend most of my off-hours dreaming up a way to eat your head too.

The writer also did not specify how the man’s leg was severed – he or she just remarks that the man’s leg was “nearly severed” while the bear was “dragging him across the ice by the neck.” I may not be a genius, but I know a bear with a mouthful of neck is going to have a hard time cutting my leg off, even if he was a trained lumberjack – a detail the newsperson fails to mention.

That doesn't surprise me though - based on my experience with our news media I would definitely expect the Russian news media to forget to include "Chainsaw-Wielding" in the "Ice Skating Bear" description, but it would definitely explain a lot.

Ultimately though, I'm going to take up for the bear trainer (may he rest in pieces) - if you take a 1,500lb thumbless carnivore and add ice skates, you're mixing up a recipe for good times all summer long.

Sounds to me like the real news report probably read “Zamboni driver panics. Runs over bear trainer during bear attack, severing leg” and the Russian government covered it up to limit references to their stupid ice sports. But who am I to judge? I sit in a tree, alone, for hours at a time talking to myself and consider it a "sport".

I also wonder if the bear just skated right on over to the guy to eat him. I believe thats a fatal mix of "irony" and "well trained bear" because he managed to skate off with the guy too. Whew. How embarassing is that? Killed by a bear wearing ice skates.

Trained bears are one thing, but trained tigers are the ones that really get me. I feel like bears are big and lazy, and some of them probably consider all that abuse a pretty fair trade for free meals.

Not tigers.

That’s a great big cat with a mouth full of Ginsu knives, and you and I both know how unpredictable cats are. How many times in your life have you reached down to pet somebody’s perfectly-content-looking kitty only to spend the next 30 seconds trying to peel his claws out of your arm? That’s why I don’t mess with other people’s pets – I don’t want to play with your animals, buddy, so keep them off me.

Maybe they paid him a alot. I know I could be coerced into working with a trained bear for the right amount of money or ammunition, but I would definitely not clamber into an enclosed space with a tiger and look him in the eye, that’s for sure. For one: I’d be a little embarrassed because I know the tiger is sitting there going “seriously? This is what my life has been reduced to?”

Secondly: I’m mighty damn scared of tigers.

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