The Christmas Artichoke

Today, because I’m caught at the unfortunate crossroads of “this is what my life has been reduced to” and an insatiable curiosity concerning supermarkets, I found myself wandering amiably around at Publix, alone, on my lunch break.

After determining that the grill was broken and my sandwich would not be warm until I sat it on my engine block, I picked up a cold half-publix-sub and slowly moseyed down to the checkout person. To my great surprise I heard her cheerfully sending each shopper off with a vibrant “Merry CHRISTMAS!!!”.

It warmed my heart to hear that. Thank you, Publix. It is CHRISTMAS, and you got it right.

When the line dwindled and I reached her with my half publix sub and small jar of marinated artichoke hearts (don't ask) she looked me dead in the eye and said “do you want to donate money to the Publix free food campaign?”

I looked her straight back in her beady little eye and said “no I do not.”

She rang me up in silence, then as I turned to leave she said, somberly, ”have a nice day.” She did not wish me a cheerful and appropriate "Merry Christmas." My day was wished nicely, but my Christmas was not wished merrily – clearly not an equivalent substitution.

Why? Because I didn’t ante up for her shady food cause. Food for who? Going where? What kind of food? Is it a kind of food I support? What if its tofu? I do NOT support donated tofu in any form.

I know the isssue was my refusal to donate because I loitered about by the shopping carts for a bit until I figured out the pattern:
Donate: get a “merry Christmas.”
Don't donate: get a “haveaniceday” and a bonus frown thrown in.

When I figured it all out I stood around, shocked for awhile before finally leaving, furious, when the manager's “can we help you with something?” sounded alot like "get the hell away from the shopping carts" like I'm somehow inappropriately fondling the carts. Idiot.

That checkout lady said “have a nice day” but what she really meant was “F- U TO THE CHEAPSKATE IN AISLE 10”, and frankly, I don’t appreciate that. So, to Publix I have only this to say: Happy Kwanzaa; I hope your damn free food truck winds up in the ditch.