Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Guess What We've Been Up To Lately?

Let's hear it for honeymoon activities, eh? How'boutcha? Eh?

In the event it has escaped your notice that I've been mysteriously absent for the last week immediately following my nuptials - that is what's been up. We were not in a monastary contemplating eternity. We were honeymooning.

It's an ugly truth, but it's true. Why fight it?

I love it that the freshly-honeymooned, when asked "how was the honeymoon?!?" so often burst into a vivid litany of their various sporting and outdoor pursuits. It's another of society's many transparent falsehoods that I desire to debunk.

Contrary to popular belief we have, in short, not been kayaking. Nor have we been parasailing, snorkeling, or sunbathing. We didn't watch Manatees or swim with Dolphins. Why would I? I hate animals with blowholes. They're very off-putting.

We didn't scuba.

I never surfed.

We just didn't. I cannot tell a lie and at this point - I lack the energy to put forth the normal farcical responses.

For those of you who've either given us terrible advice (Mark Stephens) or been kind enough to make completely inappropriate suggestions (Uncle Robert) let me just say that Mark's signature "move" The Vertical Souffle - which allegedly involves a luggage rack, two gallons of coconut oil and a fair amount of dexterity - does not sound that great to me. To my Uncle Robert: thanks, but what in the world am I going to do with a fan made of ostrich feathers and a leapoard skin suit?

My Dad asked the ubiquitous "How was the Honeymoon?" question yesterday and I said "I think I threw out my back." He paused, then tactfully rejoined with "Well, how was Florida?" and I said "We were in Florida? All I saw were curtains and a ceiling. Could've been Ohio. I never could tell."

I knew I had struck a chord when I heard George howling in the background and realized: the whole family is on speakerphone.

So, to all you honeymooning parasailers out there let me just say this: You're Retarded.

While its true that candy can be dandy and liquor certainly is quicker: at least sex won't rot your teeth.

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