Friday, March 12, 2010

Exotic Pets

I generally don’t want a cat for a pet; but after seeing an aquarium full of ferrets at the pet store the other day – I specifically do not want a ferret. A ferret is 100% not to be trusted and, for some reason, this particular collection of ferrets look vaguely "sweaty" which really threw me off. I’d rather have an average-sized tiger wandering around than a ferret - that's how badly I dont' want a ferret.

At least with a tiger you can keep track of its whereabouts. If there is a live tiger in my house, I promise you I’m going to know exactly where it is at all times.

I’d consider that a “priority.”

But not a ferret! No telling where your pet ferret is. It could be anywhere.

Having a pet ferret would be something like having a pet snake crossed with a pet tiger crossed with a cat burglar – it’s an animal that’s extremely unpredictable, untrustworthy, potentially vicious, and it could be anywhere at any time and you wouldn’t necessarily know it.

I find that prospect horrifying.

I’m not sure what the animal theme is all about lately, but it’s obviously been on my mind. Seeing a whole aquarium full of pet ferrets in the pet store the other day is probably what set me off, but the squirrel thing in the news the other day (see previous post) really got me started thinking about rodents and such, in general.

Nothing beats Mom’s story about the python in Macon though. This is apparently a true story that took placae on the street behind my grandmother's house. Here's the gist of it:

Lady comes home from work.

Phone rings. It's Son on the phone.

Son says “Mom, my 13ft long pet python needs sun. Can you take him outside?”

At this point in the story, my Mom’s phone would have abruptly cut off. Someone would have had to immediately escort her to the nervous hospital to recover from “there is a python in my house” shock; but apparently this woman was a bit sturdier around reptiles.

Anyway, I digress.

Lady prods sluggish python outside for a little R&R.

Python charges up its sunlight batteries, then turns on its captor, completely encircling her in its coils but, unaccountably, refusing to eat her.

6hrs later Husband comes home to find woman laying prone, and perfectly still in backyard…wrapped head-to-toe in very-much-alive python.

Apparently playing dead saved her neck because, according to later reports, when she struggled the snake tightened down. Methinks she picked a good time to sit tight.

Man says, “Honey, are you ok?”

Wife says “get this thing off of me.”

Sherrif arrives; but refuses to enter backyard.

Hussband manages to extricate wife. (How? We don’t know. Perhaps by insulting the python verbally – we don’t really know the whole story here; except that, at this juncture, no one has yet had the presence of mind to produce a sharp implement or firearm).

Sheriff shoots python in head from roof of house with state-issued shotgun…..multiple times.

End of story.

Which really all just goes to show you: do not mess with ferrets.

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