Adopt a 17-yr Old

Having had very little experience with "lactation" in the past (other than a few, brief, unpleasant encounters with those weird little alien newborn things all you moms seem to dote on); you'll all be pleased to know that my life-long dedication to remaining lactation-ignorant came to a screeching halt recently through the presence of a family member's newborn at a recent long weekend vacation.

It's pretty weird.

So weird, in fact; that I'm surprised women (at least those of you who have ever toured a dairy) will actually go through with it. Your average newly-born basically turns new mom into something of a cross between a human battery and a very sensitive Holstein. Its dehumanizing. It is. I watched it happen.

I know NOW it sounds exaggerated, but just you wait a few years. Every two hours when your new little Bartholemew or Bertha cries - you too will be scurrying about for a clandestine corner in which to partially disrobe...or perhaps not. Perhaps you'll join the bold contingent of Militant Nursers who insist on bareing lumenous expanses of never-before-daylit skin to the horrified gaze of mankind. Sure, it could be you! Nobody matures into adulthood thinking "I want to grow up and have my coworkers see me partially nude"; but some among you will one day fill that role.

I digress. My point is - you're not a nutritious fire hydrant. You're a person. Don't let the little leeches drain you of hard-won calories, sleep, and peace of mind. Instead, I vote that we tack a rider on the next health care bill that mandates all children be left in the care of the hospital until they're ready for first grade.

How much nicer would it be if little Wanda came home from the hospital to see her new room for the first time; and instead of spending the next 3 years learning to talk (only to become an ungrateful 3yr-old); could instead turn to you and say "Thanks for the new digs. I promise I'll take care of you when you're old."?

It's just an idea.