Communicating With a Quasi

I called my (newest) quasi-cousin (or “interloper” or just “quasi” for short); Mrs. Jessica Pitts-Slocumb Sunday night to relate the happy news of my upcoming nuptials. She answered the phone and I said simply said “well, we’re engaged!”

Jessica: “Ok yes. You have my attention.”
Me: “No. We’re engaged”
Jessica: “Right I got you. I’m tracking with you. We’re engaged in conversation. I'm fully engaged. Tell me what’s going on.”
Me: “No, I mean seriously - We’re ENGAGED.”
Jessica: "Yes I know. We are. You and me – I’m 100% engaged with you and I AM LISTENING. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON. Hurry UP!!! YOU KNOW HOW SWEATY AND NERVOUS I GET. OH MAN (I hear what sounds like arms flapping up and down) THERE WE GO. NOW YOU'VE DONE IT - I JUST GOT ALL SWEATY.”
ME: I’m not sure how else to say this. Let me think.
ME: ....thinking….....
Jessica: “You are making me really nervous. Seriously. Who died? Just tell me (deep breath). I’m ready. Just tell me.”
ME: Eh. “I NEED HELP FIGURING OUT HOW TO CHANGE MY STATUS ON FACEBOOK TO “ENGAGED”!”
JESSICA: (piercing shriek ” “YOU AND TYLER GOT ENGAGED OH WOW OH WOW OH WOW YOU’RE ENGAGED!!!! HOOO LEEEE CRAAAP. YOU'RE ENGAGED I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!!”
Jessica: “Why didn’t you JUST SAY SO. TEARS JUST SHOT OUT OF MY EYES AND MY ARMPITS ARE A SWAMP.”
ME: Well, that’s gross.
Me: Totally my fault.

Facebook has warped the earth.