Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Cooking Evaluation #1: The Mysteries of The Pork Chop

In general, I intend for my FutureWifePerson Evaluation Techniques to be succinct, accurate, and accompanied by solid graphical data. However, I was prevented in appropriately documenting our first test entitled "The Mysteries of The Pork Chop" by threat of physical violence on the part of The FutureWifePerson.

I will not harp on an ugly scene but, in short, she blocked my shot of the test results and then slapped the camera clean out of my hand. I tried to recover, but she pulled rank and threatened to "throw away my dinner" which, if you're familiar with the infamous 1987 "Mom took his biscuit away and he cried" incident, you know its a threat I take seriously.

I was generally hopeful that this test would kick The Period of Evaluation off on an upbeat note because we all know pork is delicious. Even well into the preparation process I was confident in Tyler's abilities.

It wasn't until she said "do we have any flour?" then when I replied in the negative responded with "oh ok well - maybe corn starch will work" that I got nervous.

She clamored about the kitchen rattling pots and pans, talked on the phone, whistled tunelessly through her front teeth for a bit, then I heard her say to herself "well, I'll just defrost the meat now."

Approximately 9 minutes later, after 4 or 5 brief phone conversations and a nervous giggle or two, I heard her open the microwave and mumble "whoops" under her breath. She then approached me and said "hey, what do you think I should do with these?" as she guiltily held aloft 6, 1/16" thick, microwave-blasted atomic pork slivers.

Naturally, as an independent examiner I am barred from comment, so I simply located some flour for her and left her to her own devices. Approximately 12 minutes later I heard the unmistakable sizzle of re-frying pork and the smell of hot grease and knew what her solution was: "just fry it."

We're in the south, so that move is actually worth positive points.

Before I get to the overall results - I once read a children's story where a tree was cut down and all the other beautiful trees grew strong and tall and then spent a lifetime making fun of the stump. Not to ruin it, but at the end of the story it turns out that the tree was used to build the cross Christ died on to absolve the world from sin. Ha, Ha - guess that goes to show all the other mean, abusive trees - right? So, the cut-down tree was a key player in a major world event and all the other trees just stood around, then probably went straight to the eternal sawmill.

Well, lets just say I hope the pig who walked into the sausage plant on four feet and came out in pork chops bound for Tyler's kitchen hadn't read that story because all the other pigs are probably still laughing.

In her defence - we have a disturbingly-powerful microwave. When you turn this thing on you have to clench your teeth so they don't buzz from the radiation, you pick up AM radio in your skull, all the birds in the yard fly off - I mean this thing is potent.

She could not possibly have known that and avoided triple-blast-frying the meat without warning, so we'll give her a "pass" this time.

Forunately, Uncle Ben's Cheesy Instant Rice and some dehydrated-potato-au-gratin-cheese-food product served as a delicious garnish and saved the day. It was a flavor explosion of pasteurized-process cheese product with notes of oak, a sharp cheddar nose and a light, fluffy, napalm-pork finish.

I'm refraining from assigning a numbered score to this first test due to extenuating mechanical food preparation circumstances, but I'm on the alert.

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