Sunday, August 08, 2010

Half of Something Is Nothing

A few comments in the general direction of my Beyoncee.

First of all, the FLW ("Forrest L. Wood") Tournament “Classic” Bass Fishing Championship is NOT necessarily “redneck” – its “Blue Collar.” There is a difference, and if you’re going to attend an FLW Championship Tournament Bass Weigh-in complete with pyrotechnics, Ranger Boat giveaway, Skoal samples, Blackhawk Helicopter flyover (sound enhanced), a special mock-battle-demonstration by the National Guard and an appearance by Forrest L. Wood hisself; you really shouldn’t sigh and squinch down in your seat every time somebody thanks God for "Arkansas" and "Lowrance brand electronic fish finders." Who are we to judge? Maybe Bass Fishing is inextricably tied to the sanctity of the American Family.

Would this guy lie to you?

Personally, I tend to be wary of anyone floating in mid-air under his own power, but whatever. I guess if you own FLW Outdoors you can float around all you like.

Secondly, she should not be allowed to confiscate my Home Depot gift certificates (some people call them “gift cards”, but I call them “certificates”; it sounds like more of an award that way). Well, maybe half could be confiscated in the interest of harmonious pre-nuptual bliss, sure. I'm flexible.


Boy was I confused. Apparently I didn’t get a few Home Depot gift certificates for engagement presents at all – we got them and 50% of we has decided that “making decisions together” means I probably don’t get any damn Home Depot gift certificates or a 12” dual-bevel sliding radial arm saw with a laser sight and a lifetime warranty covering all electrical components, housing and laser device.

Alright, so I didn't do a few silly little things like "talk ahead of time about money allocation" or "ask nicely" or "please stop crying."

So what?

At this juncture I want to point out that HALF a BMW X-5 looks a whole lot like a used motorcycle from where I sit.

“Half” of something can be a mighty tricky measurement.

Take the guy Tyler sat next to at the FLW Weigh-In on Sunday – HALF of him could easily be a skinny person, OR HALF of him could be 387lbs of gut and no skeletal frame. I was on the other side of Tyler and from the correct angle she looked like a blonde stick figure superimposed on a fat-suit background. I’m telling you - if you don't look sharp this HALF concept can come out of nowhere, snatch your wallet and run right off.

But, as the saying goes "Jedge not Less'n Yew Be Jedged", so I say God bless a man who lets his wife dip snuff and sit a row behind him in a public arena - no matter what half of him looks like.

The American Family lives.

1 comment:

Brevard said...

Oy -- you are in serious trouble and I am only half kidding :)

Your blog is more entertaining than reading the national news about a ranting air flight attendant or women using a dirty diaper in an incident of road rage. Seriously Jimmy --- you should consider giving up your day job !