Thursday, August 12, 2010

Humerus! ~ A Comedy In Two Pieces

I had the pleasure of catching up with Jessica P. Slocumb (the "P" makes me laugh, I don't know why) and got a brief update on grubby cancerbutt himself. The "P" in Jessica "P" makes me laugh, but the "update" was even funnier.

Here's a brief excerpt:

Me: Well, how much of his arm bone did they remove?
Jessica: I think the top part.
Me: Ok, right. But I mean - how much of it?
Jessica: You know. The bone. Like, I mean - 16cm of it.
Me: Yes. But WHICH 16cm?
Jessica: The top part.
Me: Perhaps you can help me. How do I more clearly ask you exactly what part of the bone they removed?
Jessica: The top part. The humerus (giggle).
Me: Eh. I think I've got it. Let me try again. "Did they remove the BALL part?"
Jessica: I think so. I'm not sure. No. Maybe? The top part is what they removed.
Me: So, we're not really sure what sort of arm bones he has left, right?
Jessica: Thats right. They took out some of the humerus (giggle).
Me: Why do you giggle when you say "humerus"?
Jessica: I don't know (giggle). I guess its humerous.
Me: Wow. You are not at all well .
Jessica: I'm a little tired.

I asked Jessica how they're doing and she indicated that Beau is feeling much better. I asked "how can you tell?" and she said "Because earlier Beau looked at his mom in a stupor and hollered "GO GET ME A JAMBA JUICE. I WANT A DAMN JAMBA JUICE!" so I figure he'll be up and around in no time flat. I think he's doing great and feeling much better!"

She said something after that, but I couldn't hear her over Beau in the background hollering "HELP!! Get me out of here!! She's trying to kill me!"

Jessica: (giggle).

That immediately took me back to about 1997, sitting in the den at Grandma's house. Granddad was laid up recouperating from a bout with prostate cancer and Gma was on the phone taking calls from well-wishers. I heard her clearly say "Thank you so much for calling, Wayne. He's feeling much better and he's doing great!"

Granddad rared back in his chair, knocked over his coke and popcorn, and hollered at the top of his lungs "NO I'M NOT. WAYNE!!! DAMMIT!! MARGARET GIVE ME THAT PHONE! CRIMINY!! I'M DYING! I'VE GOT PROSTATE CANCER, HEART DISEASE, DIABETES and GOUT. I HURT ALL OVER AND I'M GOING TO DIE!!"

Granddad lived another 3 years at 100mph before heading to the big pork rind in the sky; and I'm pretty sure as long as he doesn't get in the car with Jessica behind the wheel - Beau just might live forever.