Monday, April 05, 2010

An Easter Defeat

I’ve spent a fair amount of time lately wandering around Lake Lanier trying to figure out how to catch fish. You’d think with a body of water as large as Lanier – your options would be fairly limitless.

That’s not the case.

I can say that definitively and I should know – because I’ve mostly found some great places where fish aren’t.

So, despite owning a bass-fishing-techniques book signed by Kevin VanDam; I think my strategy has been overall flawed. I prefer to drive around very fast until I see an area that looks “fishy”, then shut off the power and coast directly at it. Apparently that’s not the way to go, but you’d think even with a somewhat-flawed strategy you’d still meet with some success – or run over a fish and kill it or something. I ran through a portion of the lake that actually SMELLED very fishy last week and I got very excited about that, but I only caught one fish.

So far I’ve caught exactly 5 fish this month, and we’re not talking whales here either. It’s a good thing I wasn’t catering the Sermon on the Mount because I doubt these 5 fish would turn into much - even with 5 loaves and some divine intervention.

I have, however, managed to amass an immense quantity of tackle that I don’t quite know how to use and drive around very, very fast – I’m pretty happy about that.

Which brings me to my point: Easter has come and gone and, in addition to a stunning lack of success on the water, I’ve also managed to magnificently underwhelm everyone with my complete and utter failure during the Easter Egg Hunt. Not only did I not conquer the Golden Egg, but I also managed to shame up my family by not knowing either

A. Gma’s middle name (Clara – not Lillith, Lillian, Claire, or Clarke)
B. the name of the street in Macon on which my mother first lived.

I also have not been successful in continuing to love the Blue Team of Cousins who beat me so ignominiously during the competition. I loathe them - all of them, and I will be forced to carefully consider many elaborate pranks of retribution in the coming weeks to soothe my wounded spirit.

I also intend to loudly elaborate on the many grievous ways in which Team Blue Cousins cheated and otherwise behaved in an unsportsmanlike manner. I will begin with this:

1. Thomas cheated during the Blindfolded-Pinwheel-Pickup event by peeking out from under his blindfold while my completely discombobulated partner (Tyler) blindly wandered around the front yard uprooting handfuls of grass at sporadic intervals and laughing uproariously.
2. I saw – CLEARLY SAW – Sherry mouthing the word “CLARA” to Ashley during the infamous Not-Knowing-Of-The-Grandma’s-Name trivia situation.

Clearly, I cannot be expected to perform at the upper limits of my capabilities under such extreme duress.

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